When life is at it's most challenging, it seems that time goes by dreadfully slow, and yet, once it's passed, you wonder where it went.
At least, I find that to be the case for our life over the past half year. Recently, a friend who was visiting implied that I take too much for granted. She engaged me in a game, the purpose of which was to encourage me to find pleasure in the little things... on a daily basis. It was a hard game for me, and it took me a while to catch on. She'd say something revealing about herself - something "crazy" she's done in the past, and I'd respond with something far more off the wall. But she wasn't looking for tales of getting stuck at a cattle ranch in the middle of Australia, or a horse-back safari in South Africa. It was my "Sometimes I like to decorate the table with roses from my garden." that won her praise. Finally, I had caught on. She went on to say that I should enjoy the age that the boys are at now -- that I should savor it.
Is it possible to do this as a single-parent? Now, I realize that according to some people's definition of single-parenting, I may not classify. Yes, I'm currently a stay-at-home-mom. But let me tell you.... working single-parents have time for themselves. Even if it's just that drive-time in the mornings or evenings. It's all theirs. And they have adults to interact with on a daily basis (do not underestimate that contact with the outside world)!
Let me cut to the chase. I've been a mother for four and a half years now. Up until this six-month period of Tobi being away, I always did a fantastic job enjoying the stages that the boys were at. I was always the first to admit that they grow up too darned fast. But when it all lies on you - when you're forced to be sensible and responsible around the clock - positive reinforcement morphs into reactive discipline. And for the first time in my life I've considered going to work as a means of escaping parenthood. I hate that. And I hate that I've barely written about Alexander's development for this phase of his life. I should be writing about how he takes pride in helping my "clean" things with a wet wipe, smothers those close to him with affection (including Felix), makes Lukas and Tobi hysterical by licking them on the cheek, and absolutely adores getting read to. He certainly is a charmer.
Yes, our kids will survive. They won't be scarred for life. But I can't help but wonder, what if things were different? How is my current style of parenting affecting the formation of their little personalities?
Which brings me to my next point: what I love. As children get older - their little personalities unfold before your eyes, like the wings of a butterfly as it exits its cacoon. Some of it is nurture, but much of it is inherited.
And admittedly, today was an exceptional day. Actually the past couple days have been. To begin with, I reclaimed Friday night for myself, joining a friend for a movie. Then I took a bath. And in the morning, I said "To hell with responsible. The mess can wait." I took the dog for a walk through the forest. I went for a pedicure. Then I picked the kids up from my in-laws' and spent the rest of the day splashing around with them at an indoor pool-complex. I guess, somewhere in the back of my head I was living life as if it were my last day.
Again, today we went for a long walk with the dog. That's when I noticed that our neighborhood horses (which were ordered to relocate), were back again. Temporary or not -- the kids and I were ecstatic!
It wasn't long before Alex decided to straggle behind. Far, far behind. My usual reaction would have been to stomp over to him, pick him up grumpily, and buckle him into his stroller -- willing or not. Instead, I squeezed into his stroller and took a deep breath, and the most amazing thing happened. Hundreds of wild flowers appeared in the foreground, that I hadn't noticed before. Why? Because previously I was too preoccupied with my own personal drama to notice the wildflowers, rolling hills, and distant church steeples.
How wonderful that I made a conscious decision to change my behavior. I sat there and waited for Alexander, and what a lovely few minutes it became. That stress can so easily be replaced by pleasure, based solely on my reaction to certain events, is simply incredible!
Yes, I seemed to have my "live in the moment" glasses on today. How else would I have known to cherish Lukas' remark to the dog's typical territory-marking-routine? Lukas chuckled as Felix shoveled some dirt over his "marking", adding, "What was that? A special doggy dance?!?" And the cutest part was that he seemed quite impressed with his sense of wit. As was I. :)
Best of all, Lukas picked up on my positive attitude today. He traded in his complaints for the opportunity to walk the dog like a big boy. Who'd of thought that something that simple could be such a treat?
Which, of course, brings us full-circle. My hope is that we as a family can learn to cherish the simple things. Extraordinary moments just seem to cloud our vision sometimes. Yes, we had them. But they're gone. It's time to let go and enjoy where we're at right now. Because this very moment could well become an extraordinary one, if we choose to let it.
